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Kristen Stewart and the Chris Hemsworth

So I saw Show White and The Huntsman. Needless to say Im a bit disappointed. I wanted to like the movie so much, the premise was awesome, the setting looked epic, and there was sword fighting! Sadly I almost fell asleep multiple times, because after a scene of AWESOME! They’d follow it with scene with no real focus, there would be no dialogue or real interaction. There will be mega spoilers so avoid if you don’t wanna read this ish, but it should be mildly entertaining.

First, Charlize’s crazy eyes! Yes! She was wonderfully over the top and crazy, but I will admit at times she did seem to be way over the top and make things uncomfortable. Her back story was pretty compelling but took way to long to be revealed, by the time we got there I was looking for a place to sleep and just didn’t care anymore. Though I will point out I kinda figured it out in the beginning.

Second, Chris Hemsworth! Dreamy! Yeah enough of my man crush, I enjoyed the fact that he was the narrator and just went through the movie punching and swinging blades at people. That’s a protagonist I can root for. He did move the movie along, since it seemed like when his scenes popped up the movie would take a halting step forward.

As I said some set pieces were awesome and just beautiful too look at, but they just seemed to be the focus, rather than a lot of characters that were introduced. I have no idea how to fix my complaints, maybe shore up on the set shots a bit, or you know include a bit more relevant dialogue. When there was significant dialogue it always felt wooden and just used to try and fill time. I will admit, for the majority of the movie I though it should be called The Huntsman and the Functional Mute. Since Kristen Stewart always looked like she was about to say something but the mean camera man would cut away before she could.

Next, dwarves! Yeah I liked the casting of most of them really, it worked and hey the nifty CGI stuff was pretty awesome. I just wish they had been included from the beginning instead of feeling tacked on. Especially their hideout, oh yeah, KS is being chased by bad guys, don’t forget that! No place is safe from the Spanish Inquisition, I mean the Queen’s Guard, wait, hunting group, gathering of males who like to hunt for girls? Then we get KS poisoned, and we see the ultimate move she gained from Twilight, her, “I want you right now” look. Yes, the queen shows up as KS’ childhood friend and since KS hasn’t seen him in years of course she needs to kiss him passionately and eat the apple that he holds. Luckily, Chris shows up and moves movie forward with an epic scene of acting.
“Verily, ye remind me of my wife who was a fine lass and was strong”
Right, that might not be what he really said, but who really pays attention to the words that come out of his mouth when there’s so much Chris to gaze upon? The movie takes a plodding step forward.

KS wakes up and is screaming something about stuff everybody is excited! I don’t know why, because I think I just started snoring and disturbed other people in the theater.

We finally get to the denouement, epic battle begets epic face off! Yeah that didn’t happen at all, I think that’s the whole reason Im really disappointed. Storming the castle felt hollow, it was like the bad guys were storm troopers in platemail. They hit everything but a few members of the attack horde. Then they use all their defensive weapons, right after they would be useful.
“Look, Kristen is in front of our gate waiting for it to be open, try and stop her, yar!!!!”
They try and shoot arrows ineffectively, the gate is opened and the horde thunders in.
“Wait guys! I found some oil we can dump on people at the gate, yay!”
“Oh, that might have been useful 30 secs ago, huh?”
So now we watch as people kinda swing swords at each other and KS makes her way to the final showdown. She bursts into the room and runs at the queen and stabs her in the face, thus making the queen hideous and taking her power…just kidding. Actually, she runs at the queen and glares, the queen glares back, they both look down and check their watches, and smile nervously at each other for moment. The rest of the horde bursts in, both women sigh in relief and the long convoluted ending fight happens, I didn’t really pay attention other than thinking why didn’t the queen use that crap on KS by herself?

In conclusion, yeah I don’t know what it is really except that I left the theater feeling disappointed and not even pleased that I got to eat popcorn. Weird, I will probably see the movie again for kiddos sake, but it’s definitely a renter.